My husband did, not me. He left in the wee hours this morning to Seoul, Korea to attend his brother’s wedding that’s going to happen this Saturday. And before he left for the airport, he presented a surprise Care Package for me, filled with an assortment of goodies just so I could enjoy myself while he’s away this week. I was very touched by his gesture indeed and that of course brought some tears to my eyes again because every item that he prepared, it had a certain significance that would motivate and encourage me to stand up all over again. To have strength to be myself.

Why am I feeling so emotional at this moment?

It’s the first time we are being apart for more than a day and I’m somehow feeling a little scared especially because I was in hospital A&E over the weekend due to persistent chest pains and I’m still currently on painkillers to cope with the recurring pain. Today, I had to bring my Dad to hospital to see a colorectal specialist and at the same time, I had my blood pressure done and I was really surprised to see the number going up (instead of down). The parents are sick and I am unwell. Really not feeling that great with all these happening.

The chest pains started when I lost control of myself two weeks ago. I cried so hard, I couldn’t breathe and the left side of my chest started hurting the next morning for the next 10 days. The pain then radiated to the right hand side, then to the back of my neck, middle back and shoulder area that it finally rang an alarm in me to head straight for A&E. Was I having a heart attack? My ECG reading was perfectly fine. My blood test results showed no evidence of a heart degeneration issue. The X-ray showed no signs of defects too. So why did I have such severe chest pains, shortness of breath and difficulty in breathing? I still couldn’t understand, except to link it with my depression that has taken a toll on my health. Depression is NOT to be trivialized. It is as harmful as any life threatening disease if you let it overcome you.

I’m trying my best to cope with life. I wish my therapist would help me put things in perspective and allow me to find a new purpose in life very soon. Most importantly, to find back my old self and be the jovial, fun-loving person again. That’s also why I have created this blog. So I have something positive in life to hold on to. To document my road to recovery. To remind myself, I can only live forward and not backwards.

The Care Package for me. Hand-designed by the husband.

Pressies that are beautifully gift-wrapped. Small envelope pockets with HUGE actions – these were exactly what made me cry from inside out.

My favourite Forever Friends Bear card with a heart-warming message and a bunch of my favourite snacks to munch on.

The two books which I have wanted to read but haven’t got the chance to. He bought both for me.

No words can express my deep gratitude to my husband for walking this journey with me, for not forsaking me when I chose to give up and for loving me regardless of what I am today.

Tags: breakdownchest painsdepresseddepressionemotionemotionalgratitudehusbandillnesslifelosing controllovemarriagesadsicknessstrengthtears